Saturday, June 18, 2005

Condolence Letter

Exactly 168,459 Floridians died last year, according to state vital statistics reports. Given historic demographic trends, at a guess as many as 2 million Floridians may have died over the last 15 years.

In what is apparently a new Government initiative, Florida Governor Jeb Bush has begun writing condolence letters to local prosecutors about each and every one of them. The first one went out this week to the Pinellas County state attorney.

How very ... well, conservatively compassionate. As the Palliative Education Resource Center reminds us:
"One of the most meaningful acts of kindness you can do for a mourner is to write a letter of condolence. The words of sympathy and memory are comforting to the bereaved.
* * *
A good condolence letter has two goals: to offer tribute to the deceased and to be a source of comfort to the survivors."
But two million? My, my. That's a lot of letters! What Jeb needs is a succinct and to-the-point form letter to express his condolences. Something like this:
"Dear Suspect:

So sorry to learn of the tragic death __ [fill in] years ago of your spouse/parent/child/uncle/aunt/other [circle one]. As the highest and most Faithful Government Official in the state, I've decided to send a prosecutor to look into that death, even if hostile insurance defense lawyers hired a phalanx of doctors years ago who couldn't find any evidence of wrong-doing "back when it was fresh in everybody's mind."

Some might see this as trampling on the Constitution and prolonging your pain. But I see it as just a friendly little check-up by our Theocratic Government to be sure you're living the way we want you to.

Assume the position, perp.

Yours in sympathy,

Jeb Bush

Think it can't happen? Guess again:

"We'd do it all again," Republicans say

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