Sunday, October 10, 2004

Benefits of Ivan

Viewing the glass that may be half full, rather than cracked and leaking and probably contaminated, one might as well smile while one's crying. Hence, the following list of imaginary benefits from Ivan, which are different from those listed in the recent PNJ article* about "benefits" from Ivan that were meant seriously, but still seem to be more ridiculous:

*NOTE: the "recent PNJ article" would have been linked, but it's not available, since the PNJ has decided to charge for EVERY article older than 7 days. I'm referring to the October 2 and 3 articles by Mark O'Brien, which, as you might expect, are interesting simply because they're moronic.

10. That hideous knitted couch cover given to you by Aunt Eader is now wrapped around the intake of a communist Chinese nuclear plant. You should be happy that you're doing your part in the war on terroristic textiles.

9. The carpet choice you made initially is now deductible. Choose a better one now. And, no, shag isn't stylish. Go for the berber.

8. All the raking you used to do over several months is now compacted into one large effort. This is efficient, but painful. To avoid doing it yourself, look for neighborhood children, when possible, and bribe them with small bills or lingerie catalogs.

7. If you don't have a heart attack while cleaning up, you're probably in good health. Mark off one visit to the doctor from your agenda. If you DO have a heart attack while cleaning up, please ADD one visit to the doctor to your agenda, if not more.

6. Those odd sounds you used to attribute to the settling of the house are probably due to something else. Now, you can narrow them down to "pre-Ivan" and "post-Ivan".

5. If you paid for an obstructed view, and now you have an unobstructed view, enjoy it--soon, investors will obstruct it again, with stronger edifices.

4. Whenever SRIA announces the next beach renewal contract, you can offer your house as a subcontractor. Hold out for the highest bidder, since you have "authentic" beach sand in your underwear drawer.

3. If you're reading this, you have one less thing to bitch about. That is, you're not dead. That's probably a good thing. Likewise, if you're reading this, and you happen to be dead, please contact the author.

2. You can finally re-do those scary wedding photos. Even if they weren't damaged during Ivan, just take them into the bathroom, dip them in the toilet, and let them sit under the shower. Then, blame Ivan.

1. With any luck, the passage of Ivan means that Alyosha and Dmitri aren't expected anytime soon, but Smerdyakov might be on the horizon. This also assumes that Dostoevsky is naming hurricanes, and one other person gets this joke.



Beach Blogger said...

Welcome to the Beach Blog, Greg. Here's another item to add to your plus-side of Ivan: It exposes for all to see the ineptitude of George's Touart's administration of Escambia County.

From where I sit, in an out of town motel 'lo these past three and a half weeks, the county seems to change beach access rules more often than Bush changes excuses for invading Iraq. Even my insurance adjusters -- who tell me they thought they'd seen everything until now --are completely confused. One of them joked everybody should make a claim for a broken government.

Maybe the county is inching closer to getting it right at long last, if rumors about people being allowed to move back into their power-less homes to protect their things are right. (I can't tell from here.) But when is Escambia County going to let us in on the dirty secret about the rampant sewage pollution on the beach, inside beach homes, and throughout the Sound and the Gulf? All that black gunk inside so many houses is sewage! I had to find this out from a neighbor. "It's an environmental disaster," he told me, "but no one is admitting it."

More to the point, when is the county going to share with us what we individuals can do about the contamination in what is left of our homes, to minimize health risks?

Greg said...

John, as much as I agree with you in most cases, I have to say that Touart can't be blamed for gravity and basic physics.

If your effluent is normally pumped UP from a lower level to a HIGHER level, and the pumps/lift stations are taken out of service, then the effluent will seek the lowest level, and flow BACK to the lower point.

Greg said...
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