Constitutional Crime

The U.S. Constitution was mortally wounded today by 293 hit-and-run drivers. Eyewitnesses report it was a bipartisan crime, involving both Republicans and Democrats.

Knowledgeable investigators say the forensic evidence points to multiple motives for the crime. Republican perpetrators left evidence at the scene openly advocating for a more authoritarian government that treats individual liberties as expendable.

Tire tracks reveal their Democratic co-conspirators were craven go-alongs, following orders. First, because they are terrified of what Republican gang members would say about them to the voters; and second, because "the Democratic leadership fears the consequences of their previous complicity in Bush’s illegal spying programs."