Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Small Town News

There are slow news days... And there are small town newspapers ... And there are student newspapers even in Middle School.

Then, there is the Pensacola News Journal.

The real news here is "Pensacola Beach Elementary School ... reopens today after a $2 million renovation to repair damage caused by Hurricane Ivan in September 2004." But the PNJ's headline reminds one of the headline in an old mid-'70s parody Sunday Newspaper, the "Dacron, Ohio Republican-Democrat," produced by Harvard National Lampoon.

The front page headline reads something like, "Two Local Women Missing in Japan." Eight paragraphs or so down the column one learns an atomic bomb had exploded over Tokyo, incinerating millions.

Addendum, Correction, and Amplification

No, we remembered that wrong. It wasn't an atomic bomb. (We should have figured this out. Atomic bombs are not funny. Apparently, volcanos are.)

The actual front page of the Dacron Republican-Democrat is here:

Below is an excerpt from the front page:
Possible tragedy has marred the vacation plans of Miss Frances Bundle and her mother Olive as volcanoes destroyed Japan early today.

Miss Bundle and her mother departed Friday for Cleveland, where they joined other members of the East Ohio Presbyterian Women's Auxiliary Association on the one week group tour of the Orient leaving from that city. The Presbyterian charter group was to arrive in Tokyo today, but it is not known if they did so. The Bundles were driven to Cleveland by Miss Bundle's brother-in-law, Ed.

Miss Bundle and her mother had been looking forward to their Oriental tour for more than a year and half, according to Rev. Elliot Dotter, pastor of the N. Melville Avenue Presbyterian Church. The charter excursion was available to members of the East Ohio Presbyterian women's group at a special rate of $540 per person, which included accommodations and breakfast; and the Bundles had been saving diligently for some time in order to take advantage of this travel opportunity.

The Bundle family has long been prominent in Dacron church circles. Until his death in 1959, the late Mr. William Bundle, a retired assistant sales director at MacAdam, Ins., had served for years as a deacon at Melville Avenue Presbyterian.....
And, just what happened to everyone else in Japan?

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