House Plant for Vice President

We want to return to our suggestion that John McCain should have named a house plant as his vice presidential nominee. It's an opportunity to change the game of electing a president.

By picking a house plant, John McCain will be able to reach out to a vast new constituency of fundamentalist, leafy residents who until now have been cruelly disenfranchised and aren't yet solidly in the McCain camp.

There's still time to throughly vet the house plant. It hasn't moved. We can be sure it hasn't joined an anti-American successionist movement. It also hasn't tried to get someone fired just because they wouldn't fire a relative the house plant doesn't like.

Moreover, our house plant looks like it has executive experience -- calm, steady, and reliable. You know where it stands. You can count on it not to panic in times of crisis.

And ours is the sort of house plant that comes from an exotic locale -- Africa, maybe, or South America. Possibly even Indonesia, which would give it inside knowledge of how Muslim extremists live. So this house plant has international experience, too.

As for military experience, for many years house plants just like this one have occupied commanding positions in the conference rooms of many National Guard personnel. It has been witness to many weekend warriors ruminating over military strategies, tactics, and drills.

To be sure, neither our house plant nor its offshoots look pregnant. But house plants don't propagate the way people do, so who knows? Maybe our house plant is about to bud or molt, or do whatever it is house plants do when they're young and frisky. We can all hope.

House plants have excellent judgment, too. You've never seen a house plant pitch a fit like some other politicians we could name, have you? House plants do not make rash decisions! They put America first -- right after photosynthesis.

The point is, we're ready to go on Cable TV News right now and proclaim that this house plant would make a fine president. It's ready to rule. It can take over immediately in the unlikely event the 72 year old John McCain, god forbid, has a fifth recurrence of cancer or otherwise becomes incapacitated.